SEVEN HABITS OF PEACEFUL PARENTS, THE A Facilitator’s Manual Dr. Joseph Cress, Dr. Elizabeth Lonning, and Burt Berlowe Paper, $51.95 96 perforated pages, 8½" × 11" ISBN 0-89390-512-7 View Table of Contents View Excerpt Quantity:

The Seven Habits of Peaceful Parents is a complete seven-week training course for parents. In their work, the authors have discovered that successful parents have certain traits in common: They manage their emotions, resolve conflicts, trust their own parenting style, communicate openly, nurture their child’s self-esteem, spend quality time with their children and discipline in a consistent manner. With this course, facilitators can help young parents-to-be and existing parents learn the habits they need to be successful.

Reviews

“Thank you for partnering with us to educate our employees on this important topic. We are confident that the valuable information you provided will make a difference in the lives of our employees and their families.”
— Jamie Langlois, work family coordinator, 3M Employee Assistance Resource Center

“It is through quality programs such as the one you presented that we, in partnership, are able to serve individuals and families in the community of North Minneapolis.”
— Jonette Zuercher, coordinator, The City Leadership Academy

“I enjoyed this course and received a lot of information and ideas to put to use.”
— Family child-care provider

“We use most of these ideas in our center. I hope to use them when I’m a parent.”
— Family child-care provider

“The most valuable thing about your presentation was that it sparked serious conversation about raising children and allowed parents to express their deepest concerns about their children.”
— Linda Kos, parent group facilitator, Frogtown Family Resource Center

About the Authors

Dr. Burt Berlowe is a professional writer and Minneapolis community activist specializing in parent education. After receiving his journalism degree from the University of Arizona, he worked as a reporter and editor for metropolitan and neighborhood newspapers. He has written four books, including Peaceful Parenting in a Violent World.

Dr. Elizabeth Lonning is a clinical psychologist with a family-counseling practice in Davenport, Iowa. An adult adoptee, she is also active in the adoption field. She received advanced degrees in counseling and psychology from South Dakota State University and the University of Northern Colorado.

Dr. Joseph Cress, a clinical psychologist in the Davenport area, is consulting psychologist for the Council on Children at Risk. He received his advanced degrees in clinical psychology from Southern Illinois University.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Part One

Peaceful Parenting
How to Use this Manual
The Nuts and Bolts of Preparation

Part Two

Habit One—Managing Your Emotions
Habit Two—Resolving Conflicts Peacefully
Habit Three—Parenting Your Own Way
Habit Four—Communicating Openly
Habit Five—Nurturing Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Habit Six—Spending Quality Time with Your Children
Habit Seven—Disciplining in a Consistent Manner

Wrapping It Up

Appendix: Handouts

Handout 1: Peaceful Parenting Classes Begin

Handout 2:
Unrealistic Self-Statements
Realistic Self-Statements

Handout 3: Cognitive Diary

Handout 4: ABCs of Anger Management

Handout 5: Summary of Behavior Strategies

Handout 6:
Positive Consequences/Rewards
Corrective Consequences/Punishments

Handout 7: Tips for Terrific Talk

Handout 8: Behavior Recording Chart

Handout 9: Parenting Styles

Handout 10: Temperament

Handout 11: Growth and Development

Handout 12:
Active Listening Stems
“I” Message Statements

Handout 13: Feeling Words

Handout 14: Communication Exercises

Handout 15: Ground Rules for Family Meetings

Handout 16: Important vs. Urgent Quadrant Sheet

Handout 17:
Positive Feedback
Corrective Feedback 1
Corrective Feedback 2

Handout 18: Social Skills

Handout 19: The Relationship Savings Account

Handout 20: Model Statements

Handout 21: Ten Parent-Child Situations

Handout 22: Expectations

Handout 23: Parent Pre/Post Test

Handout 24: Parent Satisfaction Measure

Handout 25: Facilitator Self-Assessment

Handout 26: Behavioral Plan

Chapter 6: Habit Three
Parenting Your Own Way

Purpose of the Session

The purpose of this session is to help parents realize that effective parenting solutions vary from family to family and even from child to child within a family—one size does not fit all families.

Skills Parents Will Learn

1. Parents can obtain insight into their own personalities in a number of ways.

2. By understanding their children’s temperamental differences and developmental characteristics, parents will come to better understand the personalities of each of their children.

3. Parents will come to learn how structural differences can affect child-parent relationships.

4. Parents will learn that a number of other variables also affect the child-parent relationship.

Background for the Facilitator: Different Strokes for Different Folks

Each family is unique. There is no one way for all families to grow and do things together. Parents have different personalities; therefore some parenting strategies work well for one kind of personality but not for another. Even within the same family, children can have different personalities and temperaments. These diversities affect the quality of parenting. At different developmental stages, different types of discipline work better than others. Being cognizant of children’s developmental stages is important for parents in terms of identifying appropriate goals and strategies. Additionally, many other factors influence effective parenting. These include health issues, religious differences, cultural diversity, and the actual composition of the family, whether it be a nuclear, blended, or single-parent family.

Parents need to utilize discipline strategies that are most compatible with their own personalities.

As much as possible, disciplinary strategies should be consistent with children’s temperaments.

Behavioral strategies work better for young children, and cognitive, rational problem-solving strategies often work well with adolescents. Match the discipline to the developmental age.

Blended families require generous amounts of time to allow for boundaries to be established and disciplinary roles to form.

Health, ethnicity, religion, and socioeconomic status can have a significant effect on child-parent relationships.

Session Plan

In contrast to many parenting approaches and their orientations, Peaceful Parenting presumes that each family is unique, that there is no one approach or solution that is going to be effective all the time for all the children. As a result, Peaceful Parenting focuses on parents understanding subtle differences and nuances in a variety of variables and using this knowledge to help establish the most effective and the least restrictive disciplinary program for each child.

Exercise One: What Kind of a Parent Am I?

Parents can obtain insight into their own personalities in a number of ways. They can read a psychology book about personality types and try to analyze themselves. They can consult a psychologist and arrange to take some personality tests. Or they can look at their basic parenting style and develop insights. An example of this approach is discussed in Parenting, a book written by Samellyn Wood, Roger Bishop, and Davene Cohen.¹ The book discusses four different patterns of parenting, rating them all equally. No particular pattern is recommended over the others; the parenting styles are simply different. Our parenting styles handout (Handout #10, Appendix A) summarizes the four styles, called the “Potter,” the “Gardener,” the “Maestro,” and the “Consultant.” Parents are urged to decide which one most closely fits their personality. This knowledge will provide insight into which parenting strategies will be most effective.

The Potter

Potters find it easy to be consistent and often use behavioral programs. They maintain charts and checklists, and monitor the changes in their child’s behavior. Also, they tend to be goal-oriented.

The Gardener

Gardeners use preventive, distracting, and diversionary tactics. They believe primarily in positive feedback and rarely use corrective consequences. Overall, they are serious students of child development, and carefully factor in their child’s developmental level in terms of expectations and consequences.

The Maestro

Maestros focus on self-esteem. They are also goal oriented. In general, they want to identify and maximize a child’s area of strength. In their view, as long as a child’s self-esteem is well nourished, the child will be responsible and achieve reasonably well.

The Consultant

Consultants are advisors who focus on problem-solving strategies. They see themselves as partnering with their children. Cognitive, rational problem-solving and decision-making are the ultimate goals in their parental philosophy.

The facilitators should have the participants break into groups of two, making sure that they are not with spouses. Let them discuss the various attributes and characteristics of each of the four parenting types and have them perhaps begin to tentatively identify what sort of parent they are. Again, it is important that parents remember no one type is better than the other and all are valid and appropriate. After the dyads have met for about five or ten minutes, there can be some brief group discussion about what various parents have learned.